?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
08 July 2007 @ 04:30 pm
Wonder Of My World (5/?)  
Title: Wonder Of My World (5/?)
Authors: ilovemybaby & fallonblackdays
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 3.050
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.

Chapter 1 – Tell You A Tale | Chapter 2 – On The Road | Chapter 3 – Kinda Crazy These Days | Chapter 4 – I Could Never Say…




banner made by the lovely titheniel


Wonder Of My World

Chapter 5 – Losing My Mind

“I said the strength of my affection has taken all my time. Like an hourglass my heart fills up, but I’m losing my mind over you.”
(“Piñata Novia” – Steve Carlson)

---

Jensen is at a loss. He’s frozen and Chris is not saying anything and Jared’s just standing there with that look that just tells him he’s waiting for an explanation, one that Jensen doesn’t want to give and so…

So he snaps out of it and does the only thing he can: he squares his shoulders and clenches his jaw, letting his features harden with a stubbornness his insides don’t really feel like supporting anymore.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he says sternly. “Let’s just get back to Steve. Man’ll freak out if we miss the show.”

He starts walking back into the place, with the full intention of pushing past Jared and acting like this whole thing hasn’t just happened.

“Oh no, you’re not running from this.”

The thought crosses both Jared and Chris’ mind simultaneously, but it’s Jared who reaches out and puts a hand to Jensen’s chest to stop him from going anywhere.

“Please Chris, just… leave us alone for a while,” he says then, shooting a quick look at Chris and giving him what he hopes to be his best puppy dog eyes ever.

Chris looks at Jared, then back at Jensen, then back and Jared. He’s kind of at a loss, too. He could either leave them alone to talk things out, or he could stick to one of his best friends and help him out of it.

But he knows that the only way for Jensen to really get out of this is to finally straighten things with Jared. So he turns back to his friend, gives him an apologetic glance, says, “Sure, man. I’ll be inside”, and walks away, trying not to feel Jensen’s eyes boring into him.

Jensen finally pries his eyes away from Chris’ retreating back, looking up at Jared and taking a step back, making sure the barriers are there somehow.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he says again.

“There’s a lot to talk about,” Jared corrects him.

Jensen folds his arms over his chest and stares, refusing to speak. The main reason for such an act is that he doesn’t really trust his voice right now, but he knows Jared will take it as his stubborn attitude being in full gear, and he’s perfectly fine with that.

“Jensen…” Jared starts. He looks at the other man’s crossed arms and lets out a sigh. “Jen… Fuck, man,” he just says quietly, silently begging with whatever God there might be within earshot for Jensen to say something, anything, because he just doesn’t know what to do.

He only knows that he can’t screw it up.

“Again,” he mentally adds. </i>“Can’t hurt him again.” </i>

“Look, let’s just do this the easy way and forget all about it, uh?” Jensen finally speaks, his features still carefully wiped of any expression whatsoever. “I get it that you’re uncomfortable around me right now, and I understand that.”
“Man, how do I understand that,” he adds silently in his mind, because really, he does: Jared has just found out that the man he thought of almost as a brother is actually in love with him. Of course the guy would be freaked.
“Why don’t we just go back in there,” he continues then, “make Steve happy watching his show, and then we can start working on keeping things work-wise and stop living in each other’s pockets?”

Jared blinks, astounded.
“No!” he says hurriedly when Jensen starts to make a move to walk away from him. “No, Jen, wait, listen to me, man. Please. Just…” he stops, looking deep into the other man’s eyes. Jensen’s drifting away, and he has to stop it. “Please?” he whispers.

Jensen can feel his resolve starting to crumble.
“God, please, don’t do this to me, Jay. Let me go before I lose it again,” he pleads silently. But he doesn’t voice it.

He just stares at Jared and waits. For what, probably neither of them knows.

Jared swallows and licks his lips in preparation.
“I just…” he begins, but soon he’s trailing off. “How the hell do I explain to him what’s going on?” he thinks in confusion. He decides he should probably start… well, from the start. So he does. “When me and Sandy had that fight...” he begins quietly. “It was on your birthday. Right after I called you, she just… she just snapped, man. I don’t know what the hell happened, but it started slowly, she would only give me hints here and there, about how she was upset over something that involved you. Until I finally confronted her and asked what the hell had got into her, what it was that she had against you, and she said… ‘Everything’, since you were the one apparently ‘stealing me from her’.”

Jensen closes his eyes briefly, opening them again almost instantly. This is exactly what he has been afraid of, the reason that has leaded him to take the painful decision of starting to push Jared away.

“I’m sorry, Jared,” he says sincerely. “I really never meant to cause you any trouble with your girl.”

Jared frowns.
“Is Jensen that dense, or am I just not saying this right?”
“No man, you don’t get it,” he says, desperate to get his point across, that same point that’s taken him so long to get, as well. “At first I didn’t get it, either. But I was never mad at you for what happened. I mean, I could’ve blamed you, right? Somehow. But I didn’t. I got mad at her. The only thought in my head as she screamed at me, was, ‘How can she say something like that about me and Jensen?! No one can say shit about me and Jensen’,” he says, smiling a little at his friend.

Jensen returns the smile tentatively, feeling his chest tighten, then he shakes his head.
“Maybe I could talk to Sandy, make her see…” “What the hell am I saying?!” his mind screams. He shakes his head again. “I don’t know how to fix this, Jay. I wish… I wish I could not love you like that. Everything would be all right then, and you wouldn’t have to look at me every day now and know.”

“ARGH! Okay, drastic measures!”
Frustrated, Jared grabs Jensen by the shoulders and squeezes a bit.
“Man, just listen to what I’m saying,” he begs. “I felt like a bastard that day on set, not knowing what to do, how to help you, what was going on with you, and then I felt like a freaking schoolgirl on her prom night as I waited for you to come to pick me up at my place so we could come here. During all the time we’ve spent in that damn car, I wanted to make you smile, laugh, I wanted to make you forget about whatever the hell it was that was on your mind. Fuck, when you looked so longingly at that guitar, I felt like I only had two choices: either smash the window or go back to the store and buy the damn thing for you. As you already know, I chose the latter,” he says, laughing a bit and feeling definitely good about his decision, because the look on Jensen’s face when he saw the instrument? That look was a sight to behold.

Jensen sighs tiredly, trying not to show anything more on his face, because he thinks he’s done enough of that already.
“What are you saying, Jared?”

Jared lets go of the older man, but he doesn’t avert his eyes as he speaks softly.
“I’m trying to say that I love you, Jensen.”
“I love him. I truly love him.”
He finally allows himself to think and say the words for the first time, and it feels… right. Just right.

Jensen’s aplomb shatters at those words, and he stares at Jared in shock.
“He… No, he doesn’t. He just thinks he does.”
“No you don’t,” he says, promptly voicing his thoughts this time. There’s no accusation in his voice, just a plain statement of a fact.

Jared stares at him in disbelief.
“Oh man, I can’t fucking believe he’s doing this!”
“How would you know? I think I’m the only one who can say whether I love you or not, Jensen, since I’m feeing what I’m feeling,” he says, and it comes out harsh, because seriously, he was starting to be okay with the whole idea, so why can’t Jensen do the same?

“Jared, listen to me,” Jensen says patiently, pinning the younger man with his eyes. “You just think you love me. This is new to you, man, it’s fucking a little with your head. But you don’t love me. Not like that. You got Sandy, and you gotta be with her.”

“You know what? That’s enough.”
Jared suddenly finds himself torn between kissing Jensen and smacking his head against the nearest wall. Repeatedly.
“Jensen, listen to me,” he says, stepping closer, going to invade Jensen’s personal space. “You wanna know how I know when I love someone?” he continues, looking intently into the other man’s eyes. “I know that I love someone when I can’t stop thinking about them. When I can’t wait to be with that person, when I would do anything to make them smile.” His right hand reaches up on its own accord, and soon it’s touching Jensen’s face, caressing his cheek slowly. “And I can’t stop thinking about you,” he says pointedly. “It didn’t even start today, I know that now. I’ve realized that I was just trying to cover it up before, with all this blah blah blah of having a girlfriend and loving her, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting you. It never truly did,” he finishes.

Jensen leans into the touch. His head’s spinning, his heart’s thumping, and his throat’s dry. He reaches up and threads his fingers slowly through Jared’s hair, and before he can even register what he’s doing, he’s leaning in and his lips are pressing quietly against Jared’s for a slow kiss.

“Ohmygodyeah”, is the only thing that pops up into Jared’s mind at the moment.
He takes one step closer, so that his body can meet Jensen’s in all the right places.
“Delicious,” he thinks dreamingly, putting his other hand on Jensen’s neck and giving a small tug, deepening the kiss.

Jensen’s brain short circuits on him for a whole two minutes before Jared’s words come back to ring in his ears.

“I’ve realized that I was just trying to cover it up before, with all this blah blah blah of having a girlfriend and loving her, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting you. It never truly did.”

It hits him so hard and fast that he almost gasps.
“Sandy! He’s gotta love her still… right?”
He freezes and pulls away sharply.
“Jay,” he pants. “Wait.”

“Fuck, what?” Jared’s mind regains its functions enough to protest, but one look at Jensen’s almost afraid features has it instantly setting into panic mode. “Oh God, what did I do wrong?”

“What?” he asks somewhat anxiously. “What’s wrong, Jen?”

“We can’t do this,” Jensen says. “Not now.”

“What??”
“Why?” Jared asks again, anxiety giving way to utter confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“We can’t do it? Maybe he doesn’t want it anymore? Am I a bad kisser or something?”
Okay, so maybe the panic is still there, somewhere, as he tries to find a reason, any reason why this man isn’t supposed to be with him right now. “Dammit! I want him. So much.”

Jensen suddenly finds himself at a loss of words. He doesn’t know how to explain it, how something so right can also be so wrong.
“You say that you love me,” he begins slowly. “And I believe you. God, I do. But I also know that you gotta love Sandy, too.”

“Shit! Sandy. I hadn’t thought of her.” Jared mentally smacks himself. “I forgot about her. Again,” the bitchy little voice in his head adds, and he’s surprised to find that it doesn’t sound quite that bitchy anymore. More like scared, maybe? With a hint of, “holy fuck, what do I say now”, too, perhaps? Yeah, that’s it.

He shakes his head to try to get all those thoughts out of his head and finally breaks eye contact with Jensen.
“Sandy…” He sighs. “God… What with this whole thing happening, me coming to terms with what’s going on here… I… I kinda forgot about her,” he admits lamely.

Jensen lifts both his eyebrows.
“Just answer me. Honestly,” he emphasizes. “Do you love her?”

It takes a few moments for Jared to break the uncomfortable silence.
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Yeah, I do. But not the same way that I love you!” he adds hurriedly, seeing the pain that flashes over Jensen’s features. “Not anymore,” he says, reaching out to touch the other man and staring deeply into his eyes. “She’s an amazing girl, she truly is. And everything we had together, all the moments we shared… everything was great.” He lets out another sigh. “But she’s not the one anymore. The only one that fills my head when I think of sharing a day or a lifetime of amazing moments is you, Jen,” he says softly. “You and no one else.”

And this, those words, this is all that Jensen’s ever needed to hear. He’s sorry that he’s come between Jared and Sandy, he is, but he’s also just so happy right now, and his chest is so swelled up with emotion, that he can’t bring himself to care.

So he crosses the space that separates him from Jared and takes him in his arms again, whispering an “I love you” over his lips.

“It’s so good to finally have you in my arms,” Jared thinks, and hell, he’s just so fucking thrilled right now that he might just say it out loud. And he does.

“You’re such a girl,” Jensen chuckles between kisses, but he tightens his hold around the younger man, pulling him even closer.

“Fuck you,” Jared retorts, smiling over Jensen’s mouth, loving how tight the other man’s arms are wrapped around him.

+++

Chris has yet to spare one single glance at the stage since he’s got back in, having spent the entire time pacing around like a caged tiger, glad that Steve’s gaze can’t reach as far as the bar, because otherwise he’d be in trouble.

It’s only when the energetic chords of Stop reach his ears and he realizes that he’s had actually no idea of which songs were being played that he decides he’s had enough.

“You know what? That’s it, I’m going to check on them,” he tells himself quietly, ignoring the weird look from the bartender and praying that both Jared and Jensen are still alive and well and there’s no broken bones to take care of.

“And if nothing’s happened ‘til now, I’m just gonna have to throw some punches. Hard,” his mind adds in exasperation.

He heads off with some apprehension, but it really has no place to be there, clinging to the pit of his stomach, because when he steps outside the place, it’s only to find the two men practically glued to each other.

“Now that’s more like it,” he thinks, a huge grin spreading over his lips.

He walks slowly towards them, whistling and clapping his hands enthusiastically.

“Took you long enough!” he screams.

Jensen jumps at the sound and pulls away so suddenly that Chris is sure he heard a pop. His friend looks at him with wide eyes and proceeds to promptly flush red.

Chris laughs.
“Oh, c’mon, Jenny Boy,” he teases. “There’s no need to blush so prettily.” He stops besides his friends and claps Jensen on the shoulder. “I’m just glad you two worked it out, man. Seriously,” he says, looking intently at the both of them.

Jared smiles at Chris, sneaking one arm around Jensen’s waist to pull him closer. “Yeah, me too,” he says, looking at Jensen with soft eyes. “Me too.” He looks back at Chris and adds playfully, “This whole mess was starting to drive me insane.”

Chris throws his head back and laughs again.
“Yeah, I gotta say it was driving me quite mad, too!”

Jensen looks from one to the other in silence for a few moments. He’s grateful to the both of them, to their enthusiasm and their happiness, but he’s also extremely embarrassed, and fervently wishing the earth would open up and swallow him whole.

“Can we go back inside and watch the show now?” he says, and damn if there isn’t a hint of pleading his voice.

Chris takes a look at Jensen’s still flushed face and kindly decides to give the guy a break.

“Sure man!” he says. “But I gotta warn you, Steve will be pissed at you anyway. You two missed a great part of the man’s first show on his new tour. Can you imagine how happy he will be when he finds out?”
He bursts out laughing at the look of fear that’s suddenly crept onto both Jared and Jensen’s features.

“Nah, it’ll be fine,” Jared says, trying to reassure both Jensen and himself. “We’ll tell him what happened. There’s no way for him to be really mad after he hears it… right?” he almost begs, quite unsure of the answer.

“Well…” Chris says with a grin, enjoying the power Steve’s temper holds over those two (and him, admittedly, but it’s not about him right now… thankfully). “I guess he might be less pissed once you tell him,” he concedes. “He’ll probably only say something like, ‘Couldn’t you two wait ‘til later to talk about that?’.”

Jared smiles widely and lets go of Jensen’s waist only to grab his hand gently and entwine their fingers together.

“Okay. Let’s go then, uh?”

Jensen swallows nervously, hand twitching in Jared’s hold, and nods.
“Yeah.”

Jared frowns at Jensen’s anxiety.
“Hey man…” he whispers softly. “We’re fine, right? And you’re fine, too, yeah?” he asks somewhat apprehensively. “Better be sure,” his mind adds, the little voice suddenly having acquired some sort of wisdom.

Jensen gives him the best smile he can muster up.
“Yeah,” he nods. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Fact is, he’s not really sure.


TBC...
 
 
feeling: lazylazy
 
 
 
shelgrainger2shelgrainger2 on July 30th, 2007 12:53 pm (UTC)
Finally!!! Oh it is gonna be fun to see Sandy's reaction!! it was so cute, when Jared finally told Jen how he felt. It is a really good story
Akriti's Lalaland: jjjdm_hpcrazy on October 22nd, 2007 06:20 am (UTC)

aw man, cmon
“Yeah,” he nods. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Fact is, he’s not really sure.
WHYY!! *pouts*
*clicks on TBC*
Evenstar: J² Loveevenstar_1203 on December 22nd, 2007 01:25 pm (UTC)
D'awwww, kisses and "I love you"'s!! ♥ ♥ Buuut what now Jensen?!
fanofsuperfanofsuper on January 16th, 2008 09:59 pm (UTC)
So happy to see that the plan worked & the guys got together. Dont' want anything happening to change that.
slash_freak_ozslash_freak_oz on June 18th, 2008 07:40 am (UTC)
Hooray!!! but come onnnn....what's with the 'He's not really sure'

*go to read next chapter*
bigj52bigj52 on January 27th, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
I just breathed a sigh of relief. I'm so relieved they sorted each other out. Sooooo sweet. I don't think Sandy will be very happy about this.