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06 July 2008 @ 04:30 pm
Fic: I've Learned To Love - 1/?  
And here we come with yet another fic. *grins* This one has a very special meaning to us. We've been working on it ever since last summer and finally managed to complete it around December. Then we spent the rest of the time fixing it. So basically, a whole year worth of work. Needless to say, it's really huge, so if you're looking for a quick read, this definitely isn't it. LOL We hope you will enjoy this ride. :D

Title: I've Learned To Love (1/?)
Authors: titheniel & fallonblackdays
Characters/Pairings: Steve Carlson/Christian Kane, Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Disclaimers:: It's all pretending. We don't own these people, they own themselves, and we sure don't claim to know any of them. None of this ever happened.
Beta: the awesome dea_liberty *beams* Thanks so much girl! ♥
Word count: 7,051
Summary: Life and its many bumps teach the boys how to love. (many apologies about the sucky summary, but so many things happen in this story that we found it utterly impossible to write a detailed one :P)

Further note: This first chapter is dedicated to lady_bluefairy and ilovemybaby, who have been waiting for this story for ages. We hope it was worth the wait, girls! Love you both! ♥ ♥

The day was warm and bright, and the crowded streets of L.A. were almost melting under the constant beating sun. It was really unfair for the weather to be so disgustingly hot only a few weeks into May.

Chris wiped his sweaty brow with the back of his hand, needing to pull off his shirt even in the relatively cool shade just outside the studio. He threw the flannel into one corner and rolled his sleeves to his elbows.

Craig walked up to him with a smile. "Cigarette break's over. You ready to go back in?"

"Mind being the one to tell Steve he missed his chance for a smoke?" Jason asked as he walked up to Chris and the violinist, stubbing out his own cigarette with the heel of his boot. "Man's kinda scary when he can't have his fix," he finished with a grin as they walked back inside.

Craig grinned widely back at him. "He's upstairs tending to his baby. I guess he set his priorities straight for once."

Chris chuckled, shaking his head slightly. "I'm glad he's more concerned with his guitar than damaging his lungs. Eases my mind."

The violinist nodded. "Exactly."

Jason rolled his eyes. "I hate being stuck with you two health freaks."

There was the strangled sound of a string snapping as they walked back inside, followed by a heartfelt, "Goddammit!" And they went in to find Steve sucking at his thumb and glaring down at the instrument.

Chris' brow furrowed. He walked over lazily, the show for their band mates' sake, when all he really wanted to do was rush up to Steve and check what was wrong.

"What's got your feathers all ruffled up, man?" he drawled, pulling up a stool slowly and crossing his feet and arms in front of him. He kept secretly glancing at Steve in concern.

Steve looked up at him. "Nothing," he said, pulling his finger out of his mouth and licking at the small drop of blood on his lips. "Just got a string set up wrong and it backfired at me."

"Yeah, like you ever set up strings the wrong way," Jason snorted, and Steve promptly glared at him.

Chris huffed. "It can happen, man. We're all working long hours, and we're all tired," he said, running his fingers over the hard wood of the Yamaha with care. "You need five minutes?" he asked Steve, trying to keep his voice as easy and light as possible.

Steve cleared his throat.
"Nah, 'm good," he said, looking down at the guitar. He picked up another spare string and replaced the busted one, then settled the instrument back on his knees and tested out a few chords. "Alright, just let me tune it and I'll be ready."

Jason took out the pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. "I'd say this calls for another one."

"Pee break," Timothy sighed in relief, getting up from his stool behind the drums and quickly exiting the room.

"Five minutes!" Steve yelled as they all filed out. "Geez..." he muttered, shaking his head in disapproval.

Chris checked behind him to make sure it was an all clear and sighed with relief. He rested his forehead against Steve's shoulder, gently squeezing his wrist. "Five minutes," he mumbled, licking Steve's earlobe.

"Five minutes are not nearly enough for what that does to me," Steve said, turning his head and then kissing Chris’ scowl from his lips. "Don't look at me like that."

Chris sighed and turned away, hands shoved deep in his pockets as he stared unblinkingly at the mixer. "Will you come over tonight?" he asked after a few moments of silence.

"You know, if we just came out of the closet I could be shoving my tongue down your throat right here and now," Steve said as casually as he could, not answering the question.

"You know we can't," Chris said without even turning. He waited, listening intently to the notes that Steve was plucking to check the tuning of his guitar, and caught the almost imperceptible, subtle switch to minors and diesis instead of full, honey-colored majors. He tried again. "Will you come over tonight?"

"Yeah, I will come over tonight," Steve said without looking up. Then, out of the blue, he asked, "Why not?"

Chris rolled on the stool to face him again. "We haven't even told Jensen yet."

"Then let's tell Jensen and Jared and then the band," Steve said matter-of-factly, doing a couple of slides to better test the strings.

Chris was spared from answering as Craig, Jason and Tim wandered back in, talking animatedly about the recording and their upcoming gig. He almost sighed in relief.

"Are we ready to roll?" he asked no one in particular, even as his eyes carefully avoided the clear blue steel that was trying to pierce through him.

"Yup, definitely," Jason said, picking up his electric guitar.

Steve glared daggers in Chris' direction for a few more seconds before he strummed out a few chords, so loud and angry that Ted's eyes actually widened.

"Um… Is everything cool, man?" he tentatively asked Steve, glancing briefly at Chris for instructions.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Steve asked nonchalantly as he kept strumming. "Guys, get a move on, alright? I don't want to be stuck here all day."

Chris nodded, giving the thumbs up to Danilo at the mixer, and cleared his throat. "We're all set. Tim, your call."

"Yes sir!" The drummer said enthusiastically.

As he played out the chords to the song, Steve carefully avoided even remotely glancing in Chris' direction, and reflected on how annoyingly ironic it was that the one time he was actually willing to get emotional in public was also the only time he wasn't allowed to.

The guys started the intro, and Chris began to sing "In the Darkness". It had been a good idea to remix it for the new album, but the words suddenly hit too close to home.

"Well I keep everything inside so long till it burns…" Chris’ voice was rough and deep, and he settled easily into the tune. He stared ahead, not wanting to meet Steve's eyes and see whatever emotion was burning in them. It was enough to hear it in the raw chords Steve was molding into the rhythm. "Everybody stokes the fire and the walls get a little higher... I just can't get the hang of hanging on; every time I try to grab it, the will is gone..."

"'Cause I've been hell on wheels for days now, there ain't a shade of red I can't paint..."

As he backed Chris up on the chorus, it was all Steve could do not to drop his guitar and get the hell out of there. Lately he had been feeling like an explosion was building up, and it took all his energy just to keep it at bay. Chris would tell the world when he was ready. But it had been five months already and, while the world could wait, Steve thought their friends damn well deserved to know by now, and he deserved to be allowed to kiss Chris at a party or during a dinner or whenever he felt like it. He knew he couldn't force his lover though, so he tried to be patient and keep himself in check, which lately only resulted in him getting in a bad mood on a regular basis. Today was particularly striking.

Once the last note of the song had reverberated into silence and Danilo took his earphones off with a huge grin, Chris heaved a sigh and stretched, looking at his band mates with a satisfied grin.

"Well done guys."

He wanted to stand up and crush Steve against him; he had played so amazingly well. Even better than usual – if that was actually possible – but he also knew that; A) the guys would think he'd gone mad, and; B) Steve would probably punch him. He contented himself with smiling at them all, hoping he'd get to talk to Steve soon.

Ted glanced at the clock. 6pm.
"Um... Chris..." He said tentatively, nodding at the hour, hoping Chris would take the hint and tell them to get out of there.

Chris frowned. He had originally wanted to record for another couple of hours, but he supposed they'd been at it all day. Maybe some sleep would do everyone's panties good since they seemed to be so damn bunched up.

"All right. It's a wrap for today. Same time tomorrow and don’t be late - Craig, I'm talking to you, bud."

The violinist waved a hand dismissively at him. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be here, boss."

"See you tomorrow, guys."

Everyone turned to Steve, who already had his guitar case in his hand and had spoken almost before Jason and Ted had even had the chance to unhook their own instruments. He had also looked straight into Chris’ eyes, which clearly meant 'I'll see you tomorrow, as well'.

"What the hell’s crawled up his ass?” Craig said to none in particular once Steve was well out of earshot.

Chris blinked. "I'll go and find out." He meant to just think it but it came out anyway, and the guys in the recording room all exchanged glances, an unspoken agreement not to meddle in their eyes. "Great job everyone."

He almost fled the studio, running down the two flight of stairs to the parking lot, wanting - no, needing – to catch Steve before he locked himself up in his house and refused to come out. “Steve!”

'Couldn't run fast enough, huh, Carlson?' The little voice in Steve's mind spoke up unpleasantly. He loaded his guitar into the backseat and slammed the door shut. "Yeah?" he asked casually, turning around.

"What the hell, man?" Chris said, stopping a foot or two from the trunk of the car.

"What?" Steve intended for it to sound nonchalant but it came out almost as a challenge.

Chris tried to think of something appropriate to say to that. But he also wanted to step forward, grab hold of Steve and ravage him within an inch of his life. Then he remembered that Steve would probably punch him, and he went for thinking of the right thing to say.

"Why'd you run like that?" he finally said in a low voice. "Just because I'm not ready to tell the band doesn’t mean I don't want to be with you.”

Steve sighed and leaned tiredly against the side of the jeep. "I never said that." He paused. "Look, it's just been a bad day, alright? I just need to chill out a bit."

Chris took a couple of steps forward, still wary of that punch, and he surreptitiously brushed his fingers over the back of Steve's hand. "Okay," he said, softly. "We could grab a bite later, if you feel like it."

Steve shook his head and brought his hand up to tug at Chris' nape, pulling him in for a kiss. It ended as soon as he felt Chris' tongue pushing for access.

"Not tonight, Chris," he said as he pulled further back.

Chris' face fell. He wanted to reach out for Steve, grab him and keep him the fuck there with him, not have him turn away because that was just so wrong, damn it.

But he didn't do anything of the sort. He stepped away, hands going deep into his pockets as he turned his head sideways. "Okay. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Okay," Steve echoed. He climbed into his car and pulled out of the parking lot. He gave Chris one last look before driving off, feeling like they were growing far more apart than just one drive away.

Chris watched him go, a heavy stone settling deep in his stomach. He stared at the plate of Steve's car, kicking up dust as it disappeared into the distance.

He had to do something and do it quickly. He knew how to read Steve better than anyone, and nothing in his demeanor even hinted at a good outcome for either of them.

He ran both hands over his face in frustration, kicking petulantly at the ground before he shuffled to his truck and slammed the door shut. He revved up the engine and, suddenly, the prospect of going back to his empty house didn't seem so appealing anymore. With another frustrated sigh, he pulled out of his own parking spot, trying to think how he could get things to work – if they'd ever work at all.


Several hours and more than a few bottles of Corona later, Chris still hadn't found a solution. And he prided himself on being an intelligent man, with a quick mind and sharp wit.

How was it that every time Steve was concerned that mind, wit and intelligence hurtled down the drain with no chances of ever resurfacing? What was it about Steve that brought out his best and worst sides, breaking through his guard like that and making him behave like a complete fool?

He probably knew the answer to that but he wasn't ready to acknowledge it just yet. Steve had never been 'just' a friend, 'just' a band mate, 'just' a lover. Never. It was like Steve was a part of him too. It had always been that way, and it both shocked and terrified him. Even more now that he felt like they were running in circles around each other, not knowing how to pull out of the downward spiral, waiting for one of them to pull on the brake of this mad run they'd thrown themselves into.

Chris stared gloomily at his half-empty bottle like he'd find the answers to all his problems in the bubbling drink. Fucked up was a major understatement.

Meanwhile, Steve was reflecting on pretty much the same things and coming to more or less the same conclusion. Pride was one of the most important things to Steve - probably too important; it had led him to make a few mistakes in the past – and he marveled at how, in the end, if it came to choosing between it and Chris, pride would always lose.

Which was why he was now staring at the door of Chris' house, wondering just what the hell he was doing there even though he was still angry and scared by Chris' refusal to acknowledge their relationship in front of anyone else. The answer was quick; it didn't need to come to him at all; it had always been there: he was in love. Simply as that. And Steve Carlson was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them, and he’d be damned if he'd let his pride win over his feelings.

So he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and knocked. He prayed that some of his anxiety, and that little pang of pain that hit his chest every time he thought about the mess they were making of their relationship, would be buried deep enough for Chris not to notice.

The knock on the door could mean only one thing: somebody with a spare set of keys had let themselves in through the first gate and up the stairs, but was waiting for him to let them in. And Chris had given a copy of his keys to only two people. Given the fact that one of them was currently freezing his sorry ass in Vancouver with his boyfriend, filming their creepy hunt show, there was just one other person that could be knocking on his door.

Chris stood up a bit unsteadily. He wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs before moving towards the door, checking himself briefly in the hall mirror. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and attempted to smooth the obvious creases in his shirt from where he'd been slouched on the couch. Taking a deep breath, he pulled the door open.

His mind went blank for a second or two as he just took in the sight before him. Chris' muscles clenched in all sorts of weird places, from his throat to his chest and down to his stomach, and he had really, really prepared himself a snarky, teasing greeting, but that had apparently got lost somewhere in the crystal blue of Steve's eyes since that all that came out of Chris’ mouth was, “You made it.”

Steve shrugged. "Didn't really plan on comin' at all," he said, looking away briefly. "I've been an ass today, Chris." He then looked back at him. "I'm sorry."

Chris rolled his shoulders back, stepping away from the door to let him in. "It's okay," he said, knowing perfectly well that they were about as far from okay as they possibly could be. "We're all feeling the pressure. Don't worry." He moved back into the living room and bent down to rummage through the mini fridge. "Want a beer?"

Steve shook his head before he could even think about pretending everything was all right and accept the damn thing like he normally would. "No, thanks. 'm good."

Chris' back stiffened, eyes closing briefly before he stood up again, placing two bottles of Corona on the coffee table all the same. He flopped down on the couch he'd been moping on all night, one arm thrown over the back, hoping that Steve would catch the drift and come sit beside him.

Steve did, and he thought about ignoring it. But he didn't feel that strong yet. Or that angry. So he sat down and leaned his head against Chris’ shoulder.

Immediately, Chris' fingers went to idly play with the stray locks of hair on Steve's neck, his whole body almost sagging with relief when Steve relaxed. He pressed him a bit closer, wondering how in hell he'd managed to get all tongue-tied in the brief span of a whole two minutes.

Then Steve sighed, and Chris remembered exactly why.

"Hey," he said, swallowing, his throat dry. "I'm sorry, too."

"For what?" Steve asked tiredly, closing his eyes at Chris' touch.

'For being scared. For not backing you up. For being a coward.' He shrugged, the small movement making Steve's head slide an inch or two lower onto Chris' chest. "I don't want to tell them before we tell Jensen, that's all."

Steve nodded, although he didn't really believe that. "Jen's coming home in a couple of days," he said pointedly.

"Then we'll tell him and Jare." Chris wove his fingers deeper into Steve's hair, massaging his scalp. "Think it can wait a couple of days?”

Steve nodded. "Will we tell the band, too?" he dared to ask.

Chris' movements stilled for a heartbeat before he resumed his stroking. "I don't want things to get awkward," he said, carefully avoiding the question.

Steve gave a bitter smile that he knew Chris couldn't see from their current position. 'I fuckin' knew it.' "Alright," he said quietly.

'Don't be mad at me, please,' Chris thought, grazing Steve's cheek with the back of his hand.

He hated the silence. He hated the unsaid, too. But he didn't know what the fuck he could, would or should say, so he bit his tongue and shut up. He let his hand wander from Steve's neck to his shoulder and back up again, thinking longingly back to a few months ago when they'd been all over each other, laughing and teasing and horny, and most definitely not awkwardly avoiding each other’s eyes.

"Chris?" Steve called after a few minutes, his voice rough with the fear that he wasn't really managing to keep at bay.

"Yeah?" Chris tilted his head, his neck bent at the most uncomfortable angle known to mankind to be able to meet Steve's eyes.

Steve was making it hard though, looking down as soon as he felt Chris squirming around. "What's happening to us?"

The words hit him like a punch right in the gut. In all its stupid honesty, Steve's question had fucking cut to the heart of the matter like a practiced surgeon. Chris’ mind conjured up a million different answers to that, well-practiced slides that would have delayed the discussion for days, weeks, maybe months. Until Steve walked away without looking back. And Chris didn't want that.

He also didn't want to run from the problem anymore. Steve deserved better than that.

He exhaled, his arm disentangling from Steve's shoulders so he could sneak in front of him, tilting Steve's chin up until blue eyes met cerulean.

"Honestly? I don't know. I don't. Hell, I wish I did." 'I wish I could make it all better.'

"I think I know," Steve said with a sad smile, reaching out to run his fingertips lightly over Chris' cheek.

Chris shivered at the contact. 'You're not leaving. You're not leaving. You - oh God.' "Yeah?" he said, voice not as steady as he might have liked, but still not as broken as he thought it would sound. He was pretty proud of the outcome. "And what's that?"

"You're scared," Steve replied gently. It wasn't a question and it certainly wasn't an accusation. It was just a fact – and one that Steve needed Chris to come to terms with.

"I'm not," Chris said, snorting like the thought was totally ridiculous, his hand leaving Steve's chin to tangle again in the hair at his nape, one of his favorite spots. He squeezed reassuringly, thumb massaging the back of Steve’s neck. "It's not about that."

Steve pulled away from the contact to pin Chris to the couch with one look. "Then what is it about?"

"I told ya." Chris shook his head, his mouth set in a grimace. "I don't know."

"If you're not scared," Steve began carefully, "then why are you running?"

Ta-dah. Point Carlson. Kane down, two, nothing. Damn it. Chris pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Ain't running from you."

"No, but you're running from us," Steve argued.

Chris sighed, wanting to be anywhere but there, wanting to have any other conversation but this and, most importantly, wondering why he was lying to Steve of all people.

"How did you figure that out? Just because I don't want to put up posters all over L.A. doesn’t mean I don’t want this. I want to keep it between us for a little while. I thought you wanted that too."

"Chris, it's been five months!" Steve said incredulously. "I'm not asking you to tell the press or your agent or even your parents. I'm asking you to let the guys know. Don't you think they deserve to know who they're working with?"

Chris was spared from answering that when his phone started blasting out 'Sweet Home Alabama', the ringtone for Jensen's incoming calls. He closed his eyes, briefly thanking the Heavens, and reached for the vibrating cell phone on top of the coffee table. He could feel Steve's glare burning the back of his skull.

"Hey Jenny. How you doing man?"

"Don't fucking call me that," Jensen grumbled but he brightened up immediately. "Anyway, I'm good. What about you guys? Haven't heard from you in a whole week," he said pointedly, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Sorry man. We had a bit of trouble at the studio." Chris was looking anywhere but at Steve.

Steve snorted.

"Yeah?" Jensen said, and Chris could hear the frown. "What's going on?"

"The usual stuff. So you'll be hitting L.A. in a couple of days? Will the giant man be with you?"

A "Fuck off!" came through the line, sounding both distant and amused. Clearly Jared was in the same room and not minding his own business.

Jensen laughed loudly. "Yeah, we'll be there." He paused. "You sure you're okay, Chris?" he asked quietly.

"Peachy," Chris replied airily. Then he thought that he needed to show Steve that he wasn't backing out, that it wasn't about being scared; it was something much more complicated than that. "Hey guys, when you come over, uh, me and Steve have - we have something to tell you. I could make dinner, maybe?"

Steve's head jerked up and he stared wide-eyed at Chris.

"Uh... Sure," Jensen said on the other end of the line. "You... oh God... you guys aren't breaking the band up, are you?" he asked apprehensively.

Chris had to laugh at that, and some of the tension dissipated from the room. "No, you fucker, nothing of the sort. It's just - uh, well, I dunno, good news, I guess?" He smiled, finally looking back at Steve. "Anyway, is it okay for you guys to come over to my place Sunday night? Around seven, maybe?"

"Sure," Jensen said without hesitation. "We'll be there. Look, I gotta go now, night shoot and all. Oh, and Chris?"


"Whatever you did to Steve, make sure you make it up to him before Sunday, okay? I don't wanna spend my hiatus trying to pull your heads outta your asses.." With that, Jensen hung up.

Chris stayed completely still for a second or two, listening to the dead tone on the other end of the line, then he shook his head and put the phone back on the table. "Well that settled it."

"You didn't have to do that," Steve said, and then, at Chris’ glare, he hurriedly added, "I mean, if you're not ready, yet... You didn't have to do that just so that I would stop sulking."

Chris’ face relaxed and he smiled at him, pulling him down to kiss him properly for the first time that day. He sucked on Steve’s lips like they were made of candy, his tongue lapping at the bottom one until Steve gave in and granted him entrance. He twisted both his hands in Steve's long hair, pulling him against his chest on the couch, tasting the cigarettes he'd smoked and the whiskey he'd drunk strongly enough to make him pleasantly dizzy.

When they broke apart, Chris was panting. Hard.

"You know I want to tell them. And I don't want to lie to Jen anymore than we have already. Hell, he'll be throwing a hissy fit as it is," he joked, moving to rub at the corner of Steve's mouth with his thumb.

Steve wanted to ask whether the other lies would stop as well, but he decided to be happy with Chris' decision for now, and wait and see what would happen later. He leaned over to give him a much slower kiss than the one before, knowing full well what soft could do to his lover. His right hand sneaked under Chris' t-shirt, fingertips barely brushing over skin.

Predictably, Chris groaned into his mouth as Steve's calloused fingers left scorching trails over his stomach, and he jerked his hips forward.

"Yeah," he whispered, pulling back from the kiss long enough to brush stray locks of hair from Steve's eyes, hoping he could convey to him just how much Steve meant to him, no matter what mess they had gotten themselves stuck in right now.

He dived down to mouth at Steve's neck, biting hard enough to bruise, before sneaking his tongue out to soothe the angry red mark. His hands moved from Steve's hair down to his back, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and forcing him into his lap. Steve stumbled a little, ending up with his legs spread wide, straddling Chris’ hips.

Steve grunted, his whole body already starting to burn, and he momentarily pushed everything else aside, knowing that this at least - at last - was theirs. One of his hands fisted the hair at Chris’ nape, the other clutching possessively at Chris' side as he crushed his mouth urgently against Chris', tongue pushing inside.

"Yeah," Chris groaned against his lips, sliding his hands down to cup Steve's ass, pushing his thighs further apart as he rocked his hips up to meet Steve's. Chris' teeth dug into Steve's lower lip before sucking it into his mouth hungrily.

Steve thrust his hips impatiently against Chris’, groaning at the friction as they ground against each other. He cupped Chris' cheek with his hand, his fingertips digging a little into the soft flesh as his other hand sneaked past Chris' waistband.

Chris let out a soft groan, his palm sliding between Steve's legs from behind and cupping his crotch, fingertips fondling his balls through the denim. "Yeah, take it out," he murmured heatedly, tilting his head to the side so he could suck at Steve's neck again.

Steve moaned, his fingers wrapping around Chris' cock. He stroked it once, teasingly, and released it, moving to unzip Chris' jeans, tugging impatiently at them.

Chris shifted his hips so he could slide those jeans and his boxers past his thighs, groaning as his cock slapped back against his belly, already hard and leaking. His hands gripped Steve's hips hard, pulling him back into his lap.

Steve pressed up against him, pushing himself up on his knees to quickly get rid of Chris' t-shirt before starting to unbutton his own shirt, grinding down against Chris when the need became unbearable.

"Gorgeous," Chris whispered, running his hands over Steve's sides, reaching up to play with taut nipples. "Mine."

The word sent shivers down Steve's spine, and he leaned in to capture Chris' mouth again, sucking greedily at Chris’ bottom lip to stop himself saying three words and making Chris run thousands of miles away. But somehow, every time he had Chris' tongue running over his lips, the unsaid seemed unimportant. Chris kissed like he sang, with the same passion, the same intensity, and his hands leaving red marks on the pale skin of Steve's chest. Chris turned him around, and Steve gasped as he felt himself being bodily lifted and then pressed into the cushions of the couch.

Chris loomed above him, all dark-hued eyes and kiss-swollen lips, his jeans kicked off and somehow just gone. He bowed his head, sucking one of Steve's nipples into his mouth as his hands worked deftly on the buttons of Steve's jeans.

Steve gasped and then moaned, pressing his head back into the cushions as his hands splayed over Chris' shoulder blades, fingers digging deep. "Take 'em off," he panted, his hips bucking.

Chris grinned against his skin, tongue lapping up at the sheen of sweat on Steve's chest. He slipped his hand into the open V of Steve's jeans and found the damp cotton of his shorts, tented by his cock. Which was already leaking precome. "Someone's impatient," Chris whispered teasingly as his teeth played with the other nipple.

"Fuck, yeah," Steve groaned, suddenly wrapping one leg around Chris to tug him closer.

Chris breathed out a soft laugh as he stroked down Steve's chest with his fingertips, his other hand tugging Steve's jeans and boxers down. Steve whined, the jeans getting stuck around the leg he had sneaked around Chris. But they finally managed it. Chris licked his way into Steve's mouth again, moaning soft, unintelligible words as he wrapped his hand around the base of Steve's cock.

Steve's hold tightened around him, his tongue entwining with Chris', both fighting for a dominance they knew belonged to both of them. One of Steve’s hands slid down Chris' spine, all the way to his ass and squeezing.

Chris groaned, his wrist twisting, his thumb smearing precome over Steve's cock as he stroked down and up again, rough and raw. He nipped at Steve's chin, lapping around the stubbled jaw line and licking his tongue teasingly in Steve’s ear.

Steve moaned loudly, his whole body bucking up to get all the contact he could. "Chris... just... hurry..." he gasped, his hips grinding against Chris'.

"What d'you want?" Chris ground out, voice low and rough, hot breath panted against Steve's ear.

"You," Steve moaned in a whisper. "I want you. Inside."

"Here?" Chris murmured, shifting his hand so he could brush his fingertips over Steve's entrance.

"Yes," Steve practically cried, his hips bucking again.

Chris grinned, almost stilling the movements of his fist over Steve's dick, stroking it lightly, too lightly, as his index finger drew circles over the outer ring of Steve’s entrance. "Could look at you for days," he whispered in Steve’s ear, his voice rough and dripping lust. "Bring you to the edge and back again only to watch you, hear you callin' my name."

"You... goddamn tease... Kane..." Steve ground out, his whole body shivering at Chris' voice, his cock getting harder at the sound alone.

Chris squeezed the base of Steve's cock, painfully close to losing it himself as Steve writhed under him. He worked just the tip of his finger in, groaning as the impossibly tight heat wrapped around it, threatening to overwhelm his control.

"Chris... Christian..." Steve was panting, his head thrown back and his whole body tense with the effort of trying not to lose it. "Fuckin' move..."

Chris lapped at the sweat pooling at Steve's temple, pushing his dry finger in knuckle deep.

Steve cried out, his fingers digging impossibly deep into Chris' flesh, his back arching.

"So fuckin' hot," Chris gritted out, rubbing himself against Steve's hip, his other hand leaving Steve's cock to search around in the cushions of the couch. He picked up the half squashed tube of lubricant and poured it over his fingers, then reached down to rub around Steve's hole, slicking his own finger. The gel eased his finger's way in and out as he started opening Steve up properly.

Steve moaned, his mouth latching onto Chris' neck, trailing messy, sloppy kisses up a path over the expanse of his sweaty throat.

Chris groaned, closing his eyes as Steve's walls gripped his digit like a vice. He had to get inside him or he'd come right there with Steve's moans against his skin like branding fire. He slid another digit in and scissored his fingers, stroking every nerve in their path, feeling the resistance ease, Steve's hips jerking with every shallow thrust.

Steve had gone beyond words. His arms tightened around Chris, his whole body writhing and bucking under him, the gasps and moans flowing from his lips begging Chris to hurry.

Chris slid his fingers out, sucking them into his mouth with a groan, Steve's taste thick on his tongue, before grabbing a condom and tearing the wrapper with his teeth. He put it on with shaky fingers, coating the latex with lube before lining himself at Steve's entrance, the tip of his cock nudging against his hole.

Steve moaned his approval, his hips instinctively bucking up, striving for that final contact.

"Look at me," Chris whispered before he grasped Steve's hips and pulled him over his thighs, his cock breaching through and sliding all the way in in one smooth thrust.

Steve obeyed, his darkened eyes finding Chris', heavy breaths pushing past his parted lips as he stared in awe at his lover.

Everything stilled. Chris eyes never left Steve as they stared at each other, the air surrounding them cackling with electricity. Chris' thumbs stroked the dip of Steve's hips, Steve's legs splayed wide either side of him, thighs quivering. "Gorgeous," Chris whispered, tightening his hands on Steve's sides before drawing back and slamming in again, his balls slapping against Steve's ass.

Steve cried out, his hips responding immediately to Chris' movements and pushing back against him, both of them settling into the perfect pace. It was perfect, and Steve lost himself in it, his eyes still scanning Chris' beautiful features.

Chris kept pounding into him with abandon, cries and groans leaving his lips along with Steve's name as everything else disappeared. Steve was the only thing that mattered, around him, all over him.

And Steve gave in, Chris' name leaving his lips as he came, hard and fast and messy all over Chris' stomach, everything else ceasing to exist for a few long, precious moments.

Chris groaned, heat pooling in his stomach as he watched Steve come apart at the seams under his hands, Steve's hands gripping his arms tightly. He grunted and mumbled incoherently, Steve clenching impossibly around him as he writhed in the throes of orgasm. Chris' hips snapped again and again until his back went rigid and he came, yelling Steve's name.

Steve's arms moved around him, enveloping him and pulling him down to rest against his chest as Steve eased them both through the aftershocks.

Chris sighed and ran his fingers through Steve's sweat-soaked hair.

Steve turned his head to press a tiny kiss to Chris' temple, not saying a word, panting underneath Chris' spent body.

"Chris?" he finally said into the darkness, minutes after Chris had slid out of him, and as he lay on his back on the couch, his arms still wrapped securely around Chris, holding Chris close against his chest. "If I ask you something will you throw me off the couch where I’ll end up breaking my neck on your coffee table?"

"Depends," Chris said gruffly. "If you ask me 'was it good for you babe?’ yeah I will."

Steve snorted. "I wouldn't call you 'babe' to save my life, Kane."

"Good." Chris smirked, running one finger over Steve's sweaty skin. "And anyway, you already have the answer to that." He locked eyes with him, smiling crookedly. "What did you want to ask?"

Steve hesitated for a moment before actually asking, "Why do you want to tell Jen? I mean, this morning you wouldn't even tell your own reflex in the mirror. Why Jen?"

"Hey," Chris said, a little indignantly as he tried to heave himself up on his elbow. "I fucking tell myself all the time 'cause I hardly dare to believe it. And we always wanted to tell Jen, right? I just wanted to keep this between us at the beginning, not forever."

"Okay," Steve smiled, tightening his arms around Chris to force him back against his chest, letting the subject drop. There were other things he wanted to say, other questions he wanted to ask, but not now. Now, he would just cling to Chris' admission and hope that it would be enough.

Chris huffed as he laid his head back on Steve's chest, tracing the sharply defined muscles with his fingers. He wondered why there still was that jarring note hanging in the air, and how the hell he would ever be able to get rid of it if he didn't know where the fucker hid itself; it lay among familiar chords, tucked behind God knew what reassuring lines.

It would all settle when Jensen came down with Jared. Steve wouldn't be as moody as he was these days, and they'd get back to their usual seamless routine.

"Hey, Steve..." he whispered and then panicked. Why had he called him now? What did he want to tell him? Why couldn't he ever keep his mouth shut, for God's sake?

"Yeah?" Steve murmured, his thumb caressing Chris' bicep soothingly.

What now? Think, Kane, think damn it. He breathed out slowly, and then found words spilling from his mouth that he hadn't even thought of. "Does it really bother you that much that the guys don't know?"

Steve's movements stilled for a moment in surprise before they started again. "Kind of," he said at last, voice rough in the darkness, trying to slice it up like a knife, trying to get a glimpse of what was really going on between them.

Chris lapsed back into silence. What the hell was he doing? Why was he hurting Steve so much, goddammit? He needed a map for his own brain.

"I'm not saying we won't ever tell them." He cringed. The words sounded wrong and out of place even to his own ears. "Eventually, we'll do it. Just - at least until we wrap up recording, can it be just the two of us? We just need a couple more weeks."

Steve sighed, tightening his hold a little. "Chris, I know it's scary," he said at last. "Believe me, I know. And I won't force you to tell anyone if you're not ready, but... it...." He swallowed, the words like razor blades in his throat even as he said them. "It feels like you're more insecure about us than their reactions." He paused. "Is that it?" he asked gently, his voice dropping lower. "Are you not sure about us?" 'Please let that not be it. Please. I wouldn't know how to fix that.'

"Steve, this is bullshit," Chris said forcefully, pushing Steve back slightly so he could look straight into his eyes. "I am not scared and I am not unsure about this," he said. Even if the jarring note was still messing up that particular song, it was the truth. "And if the guys don't like it, they can go wherever they want. Hopefully very far from us."

"Then why..." Steve began before he could stop himself. Then he sighed and gave Chris a small smile. "Okay," he said quietly, planting a soft kiss on Chris' lips. "Alright," he whispered against his mouth.

No, not alright. Not in the slightest, and Chris fucking knew it. But he also knew that nothing he could honestly say right then would make it all right. So he contented himself with kissing Steve softly, hoping that he could keep whatever was trying to break them apart at bay, even if it was just for one more night.


feeling: excitedexcited
celtprincess13: Steve & Chris 1celtprincess13 on July 6th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
\o/ for a new story! No one writes Steve and Chris hot angst like you. I think this may end up being a bumpy ride, yeah? Great start!
Sonia: KANE | Chris&Steve | a little bit of lovfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:00 pm (UTC)
Aw. Thanks so much! And yes, the ride's definitely going to be bumpy. ;) I'm glad that you enjoyed this first part! :D
no matter what: J2 doing itsanann on July 6th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, I've been waiting for this one for so long!
*on the way to read*
Sonia: Supernatural | J2 | costarsfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:02 pm (UTC)
*smiles* I hope you like it. Thank you so much for reading! :)
Ovaltine Jenkinsvioletlemon47 on July 6th, 2008 03:35 pm (UTC)
I really can't wait to see Jensen's reaction to this.
Sonia: Supernatural | J2 | otpfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC)
*grins* You'll see it soon. ;) Thanks for reading!
tigerpinkytigerpinky on July 6th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
I am very excited about this, more soon? please.
Sonia: Supernatural | J2 | happinessfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:04 pm (UTC)
Chapter 2 has been sent over the beta. Hopefully we can post it sometime next week. :) Thanks so much for reading!
nicklovessnnicklovessn on July 6th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
Awwwwww, another story form you guys! YAY!


Is it some kind of sequel of "Lean on Me" with Chris and Steve that you guys told us once?

Loved the start, please, more soon?

Sonia: KANE | Chris&Steve | right behind mefallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
No, it's not a sequel to "Lean ON Me", this one is its own story. ;) Thanks so much for reading and dropping us a line, I'm so happy you liked the start! *hugs*
Shellztrueshellz on July 6th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
Sonia: Supernatural | Dean | wavesfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:08 pm (UTC)
*beams* So glad you do! :D
Lil Miss Morgan Dork: Impossible Princessbadfalcon on July 6th, 2008 05:12 pm (UTC)
oh, boys!
I love how real all the emotions are and how real their fears and interactions are... even if I am kinda itching to just slap them and tell them to talk to each other damnit!

oh, and purrrrrr to that sex scene because DAMN!
Sonia: KANE | Chris&Steve | laughingfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
*grins* I am so happy that you liked it this much. :) Thank you!
elebridith: Chris & Steveelebridith on July 6th, 2008 05:19 pm (UTC)
Aaargh!! *stomps* I'm currently reading... *counts* five WIP's, I really really didn't want to start another one, but how can I resist this?? Great start, now *please* don't be mean and wait too long before posting the next part...? *begs*
Sonia: KANE | Chris&Steve | whispersfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:10 pm (UTC)
LOL Such is the curse of WIPs, I know it well. :P I'm really glad that you liked this first part tho. The next one should be coming next week. :) Thanks so much for reading!
Kros_21kros_21 on July 6th, 2008 05:21 pm (UTC)
oh Tith...ma iniziato una nuova storia?
ma è incentrata su Steve/Chris?
perchè lo sai, per quanto possano starmi simpatici io ho bisogno dei miei due J per poter gustare una fic...
domani me la leggo cmq... ^__^
Sonia: Supernatural | J2 | otpfallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:13 pm (UTC)
*butts in* Scusa se rispondo io, sono incaricata dei commenti di questo capitolo... LOL
Non ti preoccupare, J2 arrivano nel prossimo capitolo e sono l'altro pairing principale della storia. Perciò stai tranquilla. ;)
La Femme Vickitavickita on July 6th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
O.O This is really good. Keep going! Keep going! *g*
Soniafallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC)
*grins back* Thanks so much! I'm real happy that you liked this part. :D
Robyncakesbitterbird on July 6th, 2008 07:26 pm (UTC)
omg this is amazing!
Soniafallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
witchy78witchy78 on July 6th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)
Yeah another story. And this one is long AND finished so I hope we will have updates soon. Your chris, steve, jensen and jared stories are the best. I'm very excited about this new plot.

PS : will we have the end of wonder of my world soon ? ;o) I know a lot of requests, but this is the price to pay when you're that good at writing fics!
Sonia: Supernatural | J2 | head on Jared's shoufallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! *beams* Yes, hopefully this one will be faster in posting. ;) We already sent off chapter 2 to the beta, so who knows... hopefully we can keep up the rhythm of one chapter per week. :)

As for Wonder Of My World, I'm working on it, I swear! We want to post it pretty much all in one go to make up to you guys for the awful wait we put you through. *glares at RL*

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it's immensely appreciated. :)
deluweildeluweil on July 6th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
I hope Jensen will be able to give them a good smack on the head and set them straight coz they're confusing the hell out of me, and i don't like it when my boys aren't happy...

Awesome chapter honey, this seems to be addicting as all your stories :)

ps. very very hot sex *off to cool down*
Soniafallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:22 pm (UTC)
*grins* I'm so happy that you liked this start! *squishes you* Thank you!
(no subject) - deluweil on May 9th, 2010 01:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
charlies_dragon: More Than I Deservecharlies_dragon on July 6th, 2008 08:24 pm (UTC)
This is a really good beginning to what I can tell id going to be an awesome 'verse :D I can't wait to read the next installment *waits*

Soniafallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
Awww. Thanks! I really hope you will like this one. :) The next chapter should be up next week. Thanks so much girl! *squishes you*
(no subject) - charlies_dragon on July 7th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
indusnmindusnm on July 6th, 2008 08:30 pm (UTC)
Hmm, interesting beginning! Can't wait to read more.
Soniafallonblackdays on July 7th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you! More soon. :)
Cari: Chris n Stevecaarirose on July 6th, 2008 09:22 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, what a start.

This has 'going to blow up their faces' all over it, and I can't wait for the ride.
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 01:59 pm (UTC)
*grins* I'm so happy that you liked this first part! More coming ASAP. :D
nairie: Stevenairie on July 6th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
Man ... what a start. I can't wait for more.
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:00 pm (UTC)
The next chapter should be up soon. :) Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you liked the start. :D
I suffer from Kane-Carlson-Ackles-Padalecki-itis: Chris&Steve Luv--MADE BY MEgilesgirl on July 7th, 2008 01:58 am (UTC)
Awwwwwww Sad!Steve and Unsure!Chris!!!! :(

*hugs them both tightly*

♥♥ them BOTH so very much!!!!

I'm gonna be bouncing around waiting for the next chapter!!!! :)

Great job! ;D
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much!! I'm thrilled that you liked this first part so much! :D More will be up soon.
(no subject) - gilesgirl on July 11th, 2008 05:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
SilverWick: SteveChris smiling with shades~~~keyweegprncssflutterby on July 7th, 2008 04:54 am (UTC)
O M G!!! Hun this is fabulous. Definately worth waiting for even if I did't know want kind of fic i was waiting for, from you!!

I love this!!! *poor boys - pets*
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so happy that you liked this first chapter! :D *hugs*
(no subject) - prncssflutterby on July 9th, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
emmybuns696: chris kaneemmybuns696 on July 7th, 2008 05:03 am (UTC)
Whoo hoo, new story! But oooh, it hurts already...DAMMIT, CHRIS, pull your head out of your ass! Why WOULDN'T you want to shout 'I'm banging Steve Carlson' from the rooftops?!

Thanks, ladies! Great job so far!
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:04 pm (UTC)
Heee... Chris is so complicate. LOL *pets him* I'm so happy that you liked this first part! Thank you for reading! :)
Living In Your Head Without Anything To Numb You..godamnarmsrace on July 7th, 2008 08:03 am (UTC)
And now you've got us all hanging here :D

And we're nuts cause we love it *grins*
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:05 pm (UTC)
LOL *grins happily* The next part should be up soon. Thanks so much for reading! :D
(no subject) - godamnarmsrace on July 18th, 2008 12:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
blackpanther07blackpanther07 on July 8th, 2008 05:20 am (UTC)
Ohhh I see angst in the horizon. Great start, I love it. looking forward to more.
Soniafallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you! So happy that you liked this first part! :D
(Anonymous) on July 8th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)

Fucking say I love you already the dumb asses!

Jensen has his work cut out for him when he gets there I can see that already.

Can't wait for more.
angels3angels3 on July 8th, 2008 04:43 pm (UTC)
Sorry this was me. I'm on another computer and forgot to sign in.
(no subject) - fallonblackdays on July 9th, 2008 02:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
novascotiasam: CK & SCnovascotiasam on July 10th, 2008 02:54 am (UTC)
Deeply felt opening into a complex relationship.

Got my training wheels on for a bumpy ride ahead!
Soniafallonblackdays on July 11th, 2008 09:39 am (UTC)
Definitely bumpy. ;) Thanks so much for reading, glad you enjoyed the start. :)
Deb: Stevechris boxeddebarouchi on July 16th, 2008 01:08 am (UTC)
Sorry girls, just realised I didn't comment on this chapt.

"Gorgeous," Chris whispered, running his hands over Steve's sides, reaching up to play with taut nipples. "Mine." Hmm possessive Chris gives me shivers.

It's a bit heartbreaking how each of them are trying to keep this relationship together but they both know so much is wrong at the moment.

Enjoyed this start of another angsty fic *grins*

Soniafallonblackdays on July 16th, 2008 09:48 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you liked this first part honey! *beams* And there shall be a lot of possessive!Chris, so be on the lookout. ;) *smooches*